Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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