Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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