I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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