I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
