Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
