I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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