I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
