mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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