I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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