Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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