In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
