OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
