i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
