Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
