And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
