i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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