im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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