I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
false alarm. still invincible.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
