You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
