dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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