This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
