did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
