I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
