If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So much Jack, so little girl.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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