Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
PANTIES FOUND
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