I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
