I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
