I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize