My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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