Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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