dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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