could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
