Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
