forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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