I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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