so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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