I wish my penis had an off switch
should my penis look like a turkey
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
