I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
we're so committed to being not committed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
