I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
