Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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