His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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