I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize