hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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