I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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