Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
