Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
