I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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