Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
