her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
