i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
