I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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