if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
