I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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