Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize