i love accidental penises.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
