You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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