accomplished twins. life is a go
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
