even my farts smell like vagina
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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