my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
