Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
