Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
