I'm lost and stupid without you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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