Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
