It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
