i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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