Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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