youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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