I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
