There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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